It is extremely hard to release these painful feelings in healthy ways, especially if they are received with more bad behavior or rejection. If one or both of our parents is toxic, not supportive, hypercritical, narcissistic, resentful, controlling, unloving, or mentally ill - it can infect your entire life and turn you from an emotionally mature adult into a wounded, infuriated child.\Īs you grow into adulthood and realize how hurtful your parent was when you were a child - when you couldn’t understand their behavior - you’ll have buckets of your own anger and resentment to sort through. These are the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally and support us in good times and bad. Or if your father is still disappointed in you because you didn’t live up to his expectations or can’t show you an ounce of tenderness or never has any time or interest in your life, why wouldn’t you want to scream, “I hate you!” just like a petulant teenager? I mean really if your own mother doesn’t show you love or treats you like a child when you’re 45 or tries to sabotage you in some way - how can you not want to fall on the floor in a heap and cry your eyes out? And sadly, these relationships tend to bring out the worst in us, regardless of how evolved and self-aware we might be. We have far too much emotional investment and history with these people to be able to disengage without being deeply wounded in the process. Intellectually, that’s all fine and good.īut if that person is your mother, your father, your sibling, your child, or God forbid, your spouse, it’s hard to just remember it’s all about them and calmly let it roll off your back. It’s all about them, who they are, their past experiences, their unmet needs, their inability to communicate in healthy ways, their fears, etc. They can be just plain mean and nasty or somewhere else on the scale of disagreeable due to low emotional intelligence, poor self-esteem, bad upbringing, or just a wanky or narcissistic personality type.Īnd of course, I don’t need to tell you that when your family member behaves this way with you, it has very little (or more likely nothing) to do with you personally. I’m sure as you’re reading, you’re thinking about people in your own family who fall on the spectrum of mean and disrespectful. I know there must have been more in there, but God love him, he couldn’t express it, and neither myself, my siblings, nor my mother could reach it. Trying to connect with him was like jumping in a pool with only six inches of water. Sometimes he resorted to anger and stomping around the house in a grown-up version of a toddler tantrum.Īs a teenager and young adult, I couldn’t understand why there was such a disconnect between us and why our relationship was so superficial. He had very poor relational skills, resorted to passive-aggressive behaviors, and couldn’t communicate his feelings well. My own father (now deceased) could be a very difficult person. My friend could barely stand to be in his presence. He was manipulative, self-absorbed, and often inappropriate.
He was sane enough that he appeared “normal” - but he really had the emotional maturity of a teenager. I have another friend whose father had a borderline mental illness. She has spent a lifetime trying to win her mother’s love and approval, but her efforts are consistently met with coldness and disapproval. Of course, it is extremely painful for my friend.
But the member of her family treats her atrociously. My friend is one of the kindest, most loving, self-aware people on the planet. I was talking with a friend this week who was telling me about some encounters with a relative.
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